I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
