her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
They took my balls.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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