If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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