Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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