my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
