We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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