I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Im part way to drunk.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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