Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
