My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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