i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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