It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
