Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
