I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
