i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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