I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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