I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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