I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
