I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
