Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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