btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
