If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
