I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
