LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
