He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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