Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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