eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
