this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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