I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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