So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
