i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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