Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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