Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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