Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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