just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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