Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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