Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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