I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
