Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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