i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize