My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The struggles of a small town man whore
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
