God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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