I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Shame - the story of my life.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
