Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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