Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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