apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I could make wine with my vomit
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
