I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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