I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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