90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
