Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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