I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
