I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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