Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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