you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
